It’s been a couple of years since I posted about Halloween Costumes I Have Been. So I thought I’d do it again. Except this time it’s Halloween Costumes People Other Than Me Have Been. I won’t reveal who the someones are, except to say they are related to me. I also won’t reveal the decade, because then I might be killed. I will reveal that the person standing beside the Caveman is Aphrodite. In the flesh. Just in case you didn’t believe she really existed.
If you’d like instructions for Halloween costumes for Pond Scum, the Chewing Gum Family, Robot Boy, or The Three Witches of Macbeth, check here and here. And don’t give me any grief about the Pond Scum costume. It made sense at the time!
Here we go…
Caveman!
INSTRUCTIONS:
- Marry Aphrodite.
- Go hunting. Don’t give me any grief about the hunting! It wasn’t me who did the hunting, and the hunter had hunted all his life, beginning with hunting deer for food as a 13-year-old in the decade following the Great Depression. People lived on farms and hunted for food and then later hunted for sport. And then realized maybe they should stop hunting for sport. And so they did.
- While hunting for another animal entirely, get stalked by a wolverine (this is tricky, but I assure you it can be done.)
- Shoot the wolverine before it pounces on you.
- Have your brother-in-law by marriage, who happens to be a taxidermist, create a wolverine skin.
- Have this same brother-in-law give you a beaver pelt, because what home is complete without one?
- Wait a few years.
- Get invited to a Halloween party. Decide to be a caveman.
- Strap beaver pelt to your chest and secure with a wide leather belt at the waist.
- Take no notice that the beaver pelt is no longer than a mini-skirt. Trust that your friends expect this sort of behavior from you and will accept you, with or without mocking.
- Hang wolverine skin down your back so that the head hangs over your butt. Prepare to stand around all night so you don’t sit on the wolverine’s head. Or, prepare to lift the wolverine’s head to sit, revealing what you may or may not be wearing beneath the pelt.
- Considering the length of the beaver pelt, you’d better be wearing something beneath it!
- Coax Aphrodite into stitching the wolverine paws over your shoulders and onto the beaver pelt. Because it looks super cool.
- Strap a diving knife onto your belt…because it makes total sense that a caveman would go diving. In case he encounters a shark, he needs a knife. And he can pretend the knife is really a hunting knife. Because it’s a knife. Who will argue with him?
- Wear a fancy watch to detract from the length of the beaver pelt.
- Clasp on ONE earring. Make sure to choose the correct ear. Choosing the wrong ear might lead people to think you’re really Hagar the Horrible.
- Hey, maybe you ARE Hagar the Horrible. This is an adaptable costume!
- Ask a teenage person who lives in your house to take a photograph to commemorate the costume for all time.
- Thirty years later, consider choking the teenager.
- But, for now, hie thee to thy Halloween party and have a blast!
APHRODITE INSTRUCTIONS:
- Wrap sheet or other cloth around body toga-style.
- Secure with Grecian rope at your waist and a broach on your shoulder.
- Spray paint leafy crown thing with gold leaf.
- Look amazingly hot.
- Remember how much you love the teenager who took this picture.
Have you designed any creative Halloween costumes for this year? Too many people buy store bought costumes these days. Why, when it’s so easy to make your own?
