The winners of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, “Where WWW Means ‘Wretched Writers Welcome'” are up. If you haven’t heard of this contest, it celebrates Victorian novelist Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, who, with the audacity of those inclined toward hyphens, penned the famous opening line, “It was a dark and stormy night.” (Snoopy of Peanuts fame often begins his literary epistles with this sentence).
Ever wondered how the rest of the paragraph goes? Here it is, according to the website:
It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents—except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.
The contest is all in fun, the goal being to enter the worst opening lines possible, to imaginary novels.
Here is the Romance Winner:
Melinda woke up suddenly to the sound of her trailer being pounded with wind and hail, and she couldn’t help thinking that if she had only put her prized hog up for adoption last May, none of this would be happening, no one would have gotten hurt, and she wouldn’t be left with only nine toes, or be living in a mobile home park in Nebraska with a second-rate trapeze artist named Fred. Ada Marie Finkel Boston, MA
Runner-Up:
The first time I saw her she took my breath away with her long blonde hair that flowed over her shoulders like cheese sauce on a bed of nachos, making my stomach grumble as she stepped into the room, her red knit dress locking in curves better than a Ferrari at a Grand Prix. Harol Hoffman-Meisner Greensboro, NC
Dishonorable Mention:
As she slowly drove up the long, winding driveway, Lady Alicia peeked out the window of her shiny blue Mercedes and spied Rodrigo the new gardener standing on a grassy mound with his long black hair flowing in the wind, his brown eyes piercing into her very soul, and his white shirt open to the waist, revealing his beautifully rippling muscular chest, and she thought to herself, “I must tell that lazy idiot to trim the hedges by the gate.” Kathryn Minicozzi Bronx, NY
Personally, of the three, I like the Dishonorable Mention the best. Love the “lazy idiot” line.
Which is your favorite?
There are entries from several other genres on the website.
The Dishonorable Mention is best. Love that line!
Hey, Edie, have a happy Independence Day weekend!
Fun, Cindy. Thanks for the smile–and yes, you gotta wonder how, with all that eye candy, she’s thinking about hedges. Plant fetish?
LOL!! These are ALL hilarious! There are snippets of each that I really loved (the blonde hair flowing like cheese sauce over nachos really made me laugh) — it’s so hard to pick between them, although the wishing she’d put her prized hog up for adoption line really added to the absurdity of the first one, so I can see why it took the winning slot. What a great way to twist expectations, though, with that last entry–really funny and creative. I’m going to read more!!
LOL, Pat, actually, I was thinking, yes, trim the darn hedges!
There are a ton of great ones from other genres on the website, Marilyn. Yes, the prize hog line was great. And the nine toes.
Definitely the dishonourable mention for me too 🙂