How to Paint in a Wind Storm

You never know, someone might need to google this topic someday, and voila! I’ll be there to help.

I’m talking painting furniture, not painting your deck or the outside of your house. Now that we’ve got that covered, here are my directions:

1. Don’t check the Weather Channel and realize you only have two days to complete your project before an early snow might come (ack!). Panic just sets in. Panic is not your friend. Especially when you have PMS.
2. Don’t count on warm sun in the morning meaning it will remain warm and sunny (if windy) all afternoon.
3. Lug furniture to be painted into carport (get husband to lug kid’s heavy dresser). If you don’t have a carport, borrow one. If you have a garage, stop reading.
4. Park car in the driveway.
5. Tie dog to running chain, because otherwise she’ll disappear.
6. Don’t take it for granted that the swirling maple leaves WON’T fly into the carport.
7. To protect the cement floor, wrestle a bolt of thin plastic to the ground, securing same with old paint cans you meant to take to the recycling depot but didn’t (clever you!).
8. When empty paint cans fail NOT to topple over, thank God your husband just brought a load of wood home, and race back and forth to wood pile, replacing the paint cans with solid chunks of wood.
9. Pat self on back. You have persevered!
10. Realize you forgot to place cloth drop cloths (old sheets, old mattress protectors, etc.) on top of the plastic, so start all over with the wood chunks again, fighting the wind and blowing plastic all the while.
11. Curse your stupidity.
12. DON’T skip Step #10. Remember the time you were too lazy to double up on drop cloth layers, and you slipped on spilled paint ON the plastic and hurt your back and had to go to the chiropractor? You never painted with only plastic drop cloths again, did you?
13. Yes, you’ll spill the paint. You always do. Don’t try telling yourself that you’ve learned not to.
14. DON’T remove plastic—retain under cloth. Don’t fool yourself into thinking you can use ONLY cloth drop cloths. Remember, oh, 17 years ago, when you painted the bathroom window frame, which is IN the carport, and you didn’t use plastic as well as cloth? Remember when you knocked the gallon paint can off your ladder? Remember how the paint soaked through the cloth and into the concrete?
15. If you don’t remember, go into the carport and have a look, because the stain’s still there.
16. Lug old dresser and nightstand and drawers for same onto the drop cloths. Wish the husband would come home for lunch NOW to help with the dresser, but he doesn’t.
17. Change into the most paint-splattered set of clothes you own.
18. Sand furniture to within an inch of your life. Pride yourself on wearing protective eyegear so the wind doesn’t blow the sand into your contacts. Pride yourself on wearing a nose filter, or whatever those mask things are called, so you don’t inhale dust over the next hour.
19. When dog howls from lack of attention, resist the urge to waltz to the yard wearing alien-like mask and goggles and throw your arms wide, addressing dog as if she’s human, “What’s the problem?”
20. Smile at the mailman who happens to be standing right behind you (instigating dog’s howl), then ask if he has a dog cookie for your dog.
21. Congratulate self on hopefully coming across sane.
22. Remind self that he knows by now you’re not, so don’t waste time feeling embarrassed.
23. Continue sanding.
24. The next day, when your ears won’t stop ringing, remind yourself you MUST remember to wear the ear mufflers the next time!
25. Open can of paint and realize it’s the wrong shade.
26. And the sun has disappeared.
27. The wind is gathering speed.
28. The leaves are going crazy.
29. After making husband’s lunch (now he shows up?), hightail it to paint store to deepen tint. (Take dog for car ride). Pretend you’re a contractor, and that’s why there are 18 different colors of paint on your clothes. For good measure, blame wrong tint on kid who served you the day before rather than admitting you asked for that color.
30. Hightail it back home. Pick up an A&W chicken burger en route, because by now you’re starving. (Feed dog just a little bit—she’s starving, too). Don’t let dog have any of your root beer.
31. Paint!!
32. Realize it’ll get too cold at night to leave the furniture outside until you paint the second coat, so you’ll have to convince husband to cart heavy dresser into the laundry (after he installs new washing machine he’s bringing home because yours decided to break at a very inconvenient time).
33. Pat self on back that you bought water-based paint instead of oil (like the time you spilled the gallon in the carport). Take bath and scrub paint off hands.
34. Realize two hours later when the wind still hasn’t died down that it WAS NOT wise to park car UNDERNEATH huge maple tree branches when the last time there was a windstorm, one of the biggest branches flew off, breaking your fence and smashing the light at the front of the driveway.
35. Race outside with car keys to move car—

Fill in the blank.